I feel like a fraud, and I hate admitting that – out loud, and online. A fraud – sounds sooo awful, but I really do feel like a fraud – and a fraud not only in mommy hood, but with my friends, and at church, and with my spouse and with my family. I’ve really been struggling this summer with a lot of my inner emotions – not sure what’s up with the summer, but I’ve spent
a lot of time deep thinking (don’t laugh, a lot of people will assume all I do giggle and smile and that I couldn’t possibly ever have a bad day, or think a deep thought…WRONG….it’s those people that I guess I can say I have faked out the most).
While at church this past weekend our awesome pastor was talking about hope. It struck me that hope it exactly what I’m missing right now. Big time. In my limited world view, at this time in my life, I feel like hope is a total pipe dream – and would describe my heart at feeling completely hopeless – but part of the problem is that I’m not even sure why. Call it mid-life crisis, or boredom, or being 35, I’m not sure, but hope is totally not there.
My pastor described hope this way: hope is a confident expectation – not just wishful thinking. Have you ever actually thought about this though? There are some things in life right now that I’m wishfully hoping will get better, like, I wish I could lose another 15lbs, and I wish I could go on a vacation, and I wish my business would grow faster. Deep down though, those things really resonate with me as well and when they don’t come true, somewhere in the back of my brain I chalk them up as failures. Then there is a whole other side of hope that runs so much deeper – all the way back to my childhood. I grew up with parents that were amazing and they told me constantly just how amazing I was. I grew up hearing on a very frequent basis that I was “special” and that God had very “special” plans for my life someday. Now I feel like I’m still waiting for that something “special” to happen, and every day that goes by and I’ve not accomplished that something “special” I feel like my hope dwindles and my failure rate increases. Quite honestly, it’s a terrible place to be living.
Have you ever watched yourself from the other side of the room? I feel like I do this all the time…like I’m watching myself have an experience that I’m not really part of. Almost like I’m on autopilot and my body is off doing something that I’ve not told it to do…I’m going through all the motions of my daily life as a mom and there are moments during the day when I stop myself and I wonder, why am I doing that? I heard a great quote, “Try less and give more to God.” How hard is that to really do though? It’s like I feel so many things in life are no-brainers, total common sense, but why are they so hard to actually do? Partly because I’m a total control freak. I’m living that right now, and again it’s one more thing that I tend to chalk up to my failures.
I feel like I’m buried in just being. I have no idea anymore what to even hope for. But, for a bunch of you out there, I know you are going to say, “But, Katrina, aren’t you a believer in Christ? He should be your hope.” You are right. I’m absolutely a Christ believer, but the reality of how I feel right now is that I’m lost and feeling totally hopeless.
Do any of you listen to Thousand Foot Krutch? Seriously one of my favorite bands and I love the message of one specific song called, “Lift It.” I was driving to Target yesterday and this song was on – the lyric says:
In my temptation to walk away
And through the endless troubled days
There’s a hundred million ways
For me to release Your praise
And by and by, through the tears
And things You’ve taught me through the years
My whole life was designed by You
I’ll never know anyone half as true
The line that really resonated with me was “My whole life was designed by You” – even this un-special life that I feel like I’m living right now. He’s designed this turmoil that I feel by just being me, He’s designed my days where I’m a referee and taxi driver all day long, He’s designed my body and how it looks and knows how incredibly frustrated it is when parts stay one size and don’t function like they should, and He’s designed my business and only He knows when it will succeed. You know what? I’m so glad that I’m not God and I don’t have to know the outcome or the lessons that lie in store for me. Goodness can you imagine the stress of that job?
The key to hope is perspective. I was so relieved to know that hope is not something that I can create for myself – it’s all from Christ. Just take a moment to read Psalm 62:6-8.
“God, the one and only— I’ll wait as long as he says. Everything I need comes from him, so why not? He’s solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul, An impregnable castle: I’m set for life. How long will you gang up on me? How long will you run with the bullies? There’s nothing to you, any of you— rotten floorboards, worm-eaten rafters, Anthills plotting to bring down mountains, far gone in make-believe. You talk a good line, but every “blessing” breathes a curse. God, the one and only— I’ll wait as long as he says. Everything I hope for comes from him, so why not? He’s solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul, An impregnable castle: I’m set for life. My help and glory are in God —granite-strength and safe-harbor-God— So trust him absolutely, people; lay your lives on the line for him. God is a safe place to be.” – The Message
Christ is where you will find your hope, He’s a safe place to be and for me that is all I need to hear. If I’m in Christ, then I’m exactly where I need to be and hope will be found, even if it takes me a hard to find it. If your hope lost, ask Him for it, especially if you can’t see it on your own.
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